It's that time of year where we are to be of good cheer. But as a new widow I find that December is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I think Abby senses it too.
A couple of Sundays ago we sang the song "Oceans" in worship. Abby, beside me, started crying. This song was a part of Jesse's last night with us, and it brought back memories to her. Later that day she and I went to Fired Up Pottery off Monona Drive in Madison. I made her a glass fused pendant of different hues of blue glass...I told her it was her Oceans Pendant.
They finished a book in Literacy today called the Outsiders. Apparently a character passes, and the hospital scene and his death is described. It brought those memories back to Abby again. Fortunately she and her teacher had worked out a code at the beginning of the school year for when she would get upset and need to step out of the room to compose herself. Afterall, writing is to reflect one's soul, and unpleasant experiences can arise and be relived through the assignments.
It has been six months, and perhaps that is the window where life becomes a little more calm after the storm of a death, and the heart ache really sets in. Kyle, is still, as unemotional as ever. I wonder if he will ever outwardly show his feelings. I am proud of how he has stepped into the role of being man of our household.
So it is the season...I admittedly have no motivation to put up a decoration. Christmas music, which usually puts me in a great mood, has me shedding tears instead. It is simply a reminder that my husband won't be with us on Christmas morning. I mourn the loss of those special holidays that were to be a part of our future, a part of growing old together. Although I know that Jesse is going to be having his most glorious Christmas ever in heaven, I feel robbed of his presence.
I miss his gentle gaze, his touch, everything that made up who he was before he became sick. It was really hard to work today, I really just wanted to crawl back in to bed. I did not accomplish much, but I did refrain from succumbing to a behavior that would not serve me or my family. It is not what Jesse would have wanted. As my friend Sherri said this evening, he is always with me. Each and every day. I just have to get used to the "with me" being of the spiritual world rather than the physical.
And so it is December, it too shall pass, and I will actually be glad for it I feel. I feel for everyone who has experienced a loss and struggles at this time. I know people still visit this blog, which is pretty interesting since it has been so dormant. I am putting my energies towards Purely Living Wellness and growing my business to sustain my family. Thanks for visiting - and if you are mourning this holiday season - may you find some sense of peace through the tears.
Blessed by two wonderful children,
Rita
