This is certainly a journey of learning. Learning how to be still and absorb God's Holy presence. Learning to look for the life lessons we are to be taking from this. Learning to be patient. Learning to be watchful for the doors being opened and messages we are to take to heart, and for purpose. This morning I was led to verses Psalm 27, Jeremiah and Romans 8:28. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
Our church is going through the book of Job since the new year, a series called "Wrecked". The messages have been very good, although the worship music usually brings me to tears - which is typical of music. It reaches deep into my core of emotions and makes them erupt. I encourage anyone who suspects that their life may go through a difficult time, to start at the very first message in the Wrecked series.
I am trying not to be discouraged in this journey, but it is not always easy. Since the holidays, and Jesse's admittance of being tired of eating healthy, I have relented - allowing sugar/simple carbs during the holidays, which had an immediate effect....aka inflammation, and thus pain. For a while, shortly after Thanksgiving, Jesse was using right crutches due to the pain in his right hip and leg. He is a grown man and needs to make his own choices. We had already decided a while back to take a break on weekends from supplements - other than the key hormonal supplements directed at prostrate cancer, guided by our doctor friend in California.
Jesse went back to work after Christmas, wanting to keep the doctors and insurance we have. He enjoys being back to work and doing what he loves to do - CAD drafting. It takes his mind off of his illness. He is on limited hours, enough to be considered full time and maintain his benefits. The first two weeks were tough - he was exhausted when he came home. When the polar vortex hit the last thing I wanted him to do was go out into those below zero temperatures (I had learned that cancer thrives in a cold body). I cranked the space heater given to us at Christmas, and warmed up the BioMat and electric lap blanket to help take the chill out of his bones... I am not sure that the chill ever really left him before nightfall - and we are grateful for this warmer week.
Protocols are being missed due to lack of time when he is gone six hours a day. If he were working from home, at least for part of the day, I could be hooking Jesse up to the Wellness Pro for electro pulse therapy sessions. This has been very good for his lumbar pain. He could take a break to be sandwiched between BioMats - which has not been done since his return to work. Emotionally I have a tough time with him being gone so many hours in the day because I know all too well how important and life saving both of these high tech pieces of equipment are - FDA approved for treatment of cancer and pain.
We have physical developments that are concerning....swelling in both feet, his circulation is not working properly. His feet need to be elevated, and keeping them down through the day definitely makes it worse. I noticed this on Saturday when Jesse put a small corner desk together, so he can have a place to use his CAD software/computer. I had wanted Kyle to assist with putting the desk together, but Jesse was on his knees doing it...saying he enjoys it and misses it. I can't argue with that - a man's desire to have some degree of normalcy return to his life. But in the evening I noticed both feet badly swollen and there was no way he was getting his feet into shoes for church on Sunday. Suffice to say - he can't take a break at work, and put his feet up.
There are also three visible lumps in the lymphatic groin area. We pray they are swollen lymph glands. These appeared about ten days ago. Today we head to oncology and later, the DO doctor - as I moved up our appointment to see her and find out if the lumps are indeed lymph swelling. Jesse had not had lymphatic massage for over a month, and I suspect it is too long a span. In talking with a friend, also in stage 4 cancer, she mentioned her tumor markers are down. This is not something we have ever heard Jesse's doctor mention - and I will be questioning it today. Why has a blood test not been taken to measure tumor markers? I will have to ask.
Thank you for your continued prayers. We are grateful for God's presence and the Healing that is taking place, even though we tire in our journey.