Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Peace Amidst Great Sorrow

Here I sit, my first full day as a widow. I hear birds chirping, singing and squirels chattering and scolding. It is beautiful in this backyard. Jesse's Oasis.
This is where he loved to enjoy a cup of coffee early in the morning and meditate upon God's word. Evenings we would sit around the fire pit as a family, making smores, and Abby often sitting in her father's lap.
My heart has such a huge hole in it right now. One might think I would be more prepared for this, but I am not. Jesse had been improving. He had more strength and was using the trapeze over his bed to work his arms. He slept a lot last week and we stayed ahead of the pain making sure he took a dose regularly. He asked me to help work his legs both Saturday and Sunday, and he had good strength in the PT exercices. Best of all these past few days he was having no pain, and this past weekend he took very little pain medication.
Late Sunday afternoon something changed. He was being especialy grateful ...as if thanking me several times a day was not enough. He was gazing off, not really seeing what was around him. I couldn't figure out what was going on. Jesse said, "Lord?" with his eyes fixated towards the ceiling.
"Just a little more time with my family please". And quite honestly, at this point I started to freak out. I realized that I was losing him, and the Lord had come to take him Home.  I asked if he wanted Abby and Jesse, and he said yes.  We gathered around his bed, with the wren singing outside the window on the new bird house that had been occupied shortly afer it was put up, and prayed over him. The kids left the room.
Jesse's breathing changed and I wasn't sure what was happening. His voice was barely audible. I asked if he wanted an ambulance and he said yes. I called Agrace, and then 911,
For whatever reason, a lung had ruptured, and the hospital staff was able to use a procedure to drain the fluid. I wno't go into details, but he surprised the doctor on staff that night by resting comfortably. He had no pain, and those of us along his bedside, including friends from our amazing church life group, tapped. Yes, Jesse asked for tapping - on his trigger points to release endorphins for the pain. I think the hospital staff were surprised every time they asked if he had pain and he said he did not think so.
Friends had grabbed the tablet from home and we played his favorite praise songs by Fernando Ortega for him.  Monday morning Jesse's breathing started to be laborous again, and as he took his lasts, "Our Great God" was playing softly in his ear. Each time we sang this song in worship my quiet and more reserved husband, would lift both of his hands to the sky in PRAISE to his Heavenly Father. I prayed for his journey, that Jesse find full peace and embrace fully the presence of the Light and enter into eternal joy and rest.
"Hallelujah! Glory be to Our Great God! Hallelujah! Glory be to our Great God."  Death has lost it's sting, there is VICTORY in Jesus.
Jesse was never much of a writer, and the only book he ever read cover to cover was the Holy Bible, but when he did share on this blog it was with intent and on purpose. He wanted YOU to know that the the most perfect love in this world comes from having relationship with Jesus. I hope those of you seeking acceptance andlove in this world will find his words, and open your heart to his loving messages.
As I type this, a chickadee leaves the bathng rock, and a white feather flutters to the ground. Yes, my love is with me always. My heart cries out in anguish, but my soul knows that we will be reunited once again, when I journey into the everlasting arms of Jesus.

As Jesse said at the end of his posts, PEACE!

1 comment:

  1. Rita, I am so sorry to hear you lost Jesse. Since you both had such a strong faith and a love of music, I wanted to share a song I sang at the funerals of my sister and my mother - Going Home. There are several versions on You Tube, from spiritual to operatic to just very moving Christian singers. I hope Jesse continues to bless you with signs every day, as you noticed the feather! Sarah Flanagan